Dryer than me wife's imagination.
Twice as dusty.
Do you mind?
No, I don't mind.
There are some that say god looks after fools,
drunkards,
and the United States.
May I see that?
I'm thinking you should have a drink with me.
That's interesting.
I'd like to, but I'm on duty.
I thought so.
What is your name?
James West.
Irish is mine.
Ho. Ho.
Habla espaņol?
Si, seņor.
Then you lay yourself over that horse,
and if you move when I get down,
I'm gonna blow your head off.
I'd better have a look at him.
Check inside the box, Rusty.
It's here.
Don't move it.
We're taking the stage too.
That wasn't in your brother's plan.
Well, maybe my brother's not part of my plans.
Take my horse.
Confound it, Gordon.
The town of Brandon reports
that it hasn't even seen a stagecoach mirage.
I'm aware of that. And in the 24 hours
that West and that vaccine have been gone,
three hundred more cases of smallpox have broken out.
And then this.
This little message comes to my office,
mailed even before West set out with that vaccine.
"Interested in finding the vaccine?
Contact 124AJ."
How do we know they have the vaccine?
And who is this 124AJ, anyway?
I don't know, colonel.
I've telegraphed the data bureau
in order to have them check it out.
We don't even know if this whole thing is nothing but a false-
There's the answer to the first part of your question, colonel.
They've got the vaccine.
Oh, that's just fine.
You don't know the full extent of this, Gordon.
That box Jim was guarding
contained the Western States' entire supply.
Couldn't they ship some over from back east?
All we want, yes.
But it'll take six days
before it can possibly reach us.
Hmm. Six days.
In that length of time,
we should have a full-scale epidemic on our hands.
Whoever arranged this hijacking is already responsible
for an awful lot of deaths, but on top of that,
they know they've got a diamond mine on their hands.
This could cost the government millions.
There's the answer to the second part of the question, colonel.
Number 124AJ
belongs to Furman Crotty,
currently residing in Leavenworth.
Here he is...
124AJ.
Formerly known as Furman Crotty,
grand caliph of Kansas crime,
who's been known to remark facetiously
or regard people as flies,
and myself as a long-overdue insecticide.
Very pretty.
I'd know that voice anywhere.
The other upright young member
of the West-Gordon team
who installed me here two years ago.
Where is Jim West?
Nice of you to pay me a visit, Gordon.
I do appreciate it.
I asked you a question. Where's Jim West?
Why don't you consult a ouija board?
Listen- Don't, Mr. G.
Not while I have the vaccine.
What vaccine?
Part of it came through your train window
this morning, remember?
The serial number on that bottle
was 848...
011.
Care to hear more?
What are you gunning for, Crotty?
My release from prison,
with a full pardon.
If you deliver that vaccine and Jim West,
maybe I'll discuss your terms.
Gordon...
I'm stunned by your sentimentality.
Why, you're probably the type who approves
of bronze plating baby shoes. I, of course,
approve of bronze plating the baby,
but... the vaccine
and Jim West.
Gordon, I'd like to accommodate you,
but I can't. I don't have the body.
However, I'm certain you can
locate it easily enough.
Just follow the buzzards.
It's a good thing for you,
me and Grazelda came along
before some criminal-minded person.
You might have lost a nice hat
like this for sure.
But, uh, me, I'm an honest man.
Oh, Grazelda.
It's takes a fancier rack than I got
to put a hat on like this.
You see, Grazelda won't be satisfied
unless she sees the hat on me, and I-
but, uh...
If you have any objections,
just say so.
Well...
Well, that's right neighborly of you.
Yes, sir.
It's a good thing we came along.
They'd have took all these fine things from you
without even a howdy-do.
Ah, now, uh,
you sure you don't want the gun belt, neither?
Thank you.
See, when you're nice to people,
they can't do enough for you, Grazelda.
Come on, girl.
Where can we pick up the vaccine?
There'll be instructions in Brandon,
in the church poor box.
How soon will it be there?
One hour after I leave here.
Pardoned.
Telegraph Washington.
Come on. Just-
I just don't feel like being friendly.
Come on.
Let go of me. You're hurting me!
Leave me alone.
Come on.
Get away from me. Get away from me!
Please let me alone. Come on.
I don't want it. Come on. No.
Why don't you leave her alone?
Okay, loudmouth,
you want to protect the little lady.
That was awful nice of you to do that for me.
That fellow's been bothering me an awful lot
the last couple of weeks, actually.
I really well appreciate you doing that.
Oh, come on, fellow.
Please get well. Just relax.
Relax, relax.
Come on, fellow.
Come on, relax.
Relax.
What in high-flying blue blazes do you mean,
scaring the wits out of me like that?
My mum! You killed Cassandra,
my prized mum.
Oh.
Manslaughter, but I had no intention of murder.
Oh, that's right, make excuses.
Oh, why do I always get mixed up with people
who aren't worth the glue on a stamp?
I'll buy you another Cassandra.
Oh, you can't buy Cassandras.
You have to grow them, just like you can't make
rich old biddies let me into their flower show,
and flower shows make blue ribbons,
and blue ribbons make blue blood,
and green tea parties,
and talking to me on the street.
Oh, please, please don't stop.
Your voice is so clear,
like the bells of Notre Dame.
Oh, what's that?
That's a cathedral in Paris.
You've been to Paris, France?
I suppose I have.
Oh, tell me about it, please.
I'm sorry for what I said about Cassandra.
I can fix them. Tell me about it, please.
I'd be delighted to, um...
Oh, I'm Cloris.
It's Cloris Colton.
Cloris.
But first,
you tell me who I am.
I can't remember a thing,
not even my own name.
I won't trouble the guards
to make up your bunk, Crotty.
State regulations force me to offer you
this change of clothing.
And good taste forces me to refuse.
Save it for Easter, warden.
Go on. Giddyap.
When you were doctoring my head,
did I talk to you?
Yeah, you told me how I should fix it.
In medical terms?
I don't think so.
Well, try and remember my exact words.
Well, I am trying.
Cloris, when you're trying to rebuild a life,
you grab any piece of lumber you can find.
Seņorita. Tequila.
Oh, just a minute.
Why do you have to have exact words?
If I used medical terms, I could be a doctor.
I was shot at. I could be an outlaw,
a sheriff, a bounty hunter.
I have to know my exact words. Please try.
Seņorita,
tequila.
Ah, the gringo from the stagecoach.
Kill him.
Cloris!
Come on.
They're not following us.
Oh, you're hurt.
What's the matter, mister? You lose something?
Yes, I certainly did, a very large rabbit.
A white one about-
Oh, I didn't think you'd believe me.
I can't understand it, though.
I had it right in here under these flowers.
I just don't know where it's gone.
Sorry. Not open.
Uh, that's perfectly all right, my good man.
I'm merely passing through.
Now, for my next trick...
Oh, hey, you better sit down.
Hey, how's your mouth? Is it okay?
Yeah, it's all right, I guess.
I suppose you don't know who those men are, huh?
I have no idea.
Well, they sure seemed to know who you were.
They looked like they were really going to kill you.
I got that impression.
How long you been like this,
not knowing who you are?
I don't know.
I woke up in the prairie last night.
I had a terrible headache.
I saw the lights of the city and the rest you know.
Well, I guess it was a good thing
you came in when you did.
You know, that cowboy and everything.
Well, you should be more careful who you pick to walk with.
Pick to walk with? You think I picked him?
My goodness. I didn't have any say in the matter.
Oh, these cowboys around here.
Just because a girl works in a saloon,
they think that she just doesn't
have any feelings or anything.
Well, one, I know that this dress doesn't make me
look any more ladylike,
but that doesn't give any dumb old cowboy the right
to treat me like I was different from anybody else, or anything.
You are different,
but it's a good difference.
Well, try to tell any of those others that.
Is that why you grow flowers,
to enter into the ladies' flower shows?
Well, I figure if some of my plants
can win some prizes,
then everybody in town will think I'm not just a...
saloon girl.
Is it really important to you
what everybody in town thinks?
Well, I guess it's as important to me
as your memory is to you.
My memory. I've got to find out who I am.
Hey, wait. Let me help.
You've already helped enough.
No, no, no, I mean, help you find out who you are.
If I can find out who those men are who tried to kill you,
then maybe I can find out why, and maybe even more.
Hey, this isn't a game. Those men are killers.
Good heavens, I know that.
Now, listen, you go up to my room where it'll be safe.
And listen, stay away from my flowers, hear?
Mr. Crotty don't like his food messed around with.
I'm curious, Rusty,
how do you like being my brother's watchdog?
Troublesome.
You're a lot to watch, Silas.
Suppose you try calling me Mr. Crotty.
There's only one Mr. Crotty here, Silas.
You're sure going to a lot of trouble
to put me in my place, Furman.
Makes me think you're afraid of me.
I might be, Silas,
if I didn't know how loyal you are.
Thank you, brother.
Allow me.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave
when first we practice to deceive.
What are you talking about, Furman?
You should have practiced a little more, Silas.
My being away gave you
a chance to have power.
It's like being given a second set of lungs.
Take it away and you feel suffocated.
How does it feel, Silas?
Every time I have to kill someone who's family,
I get depressed.
Mr. Crotty, West isn't dead.
We just saw him in the saloon.
Then I'm sure he will be.
Come in.
I found out a few things about you.
You want to hear the good part or the bad part first?
Let's start with the good.
Well, I know who you are,
at least I know what your name is.
They called you West. A Mr. West.
Well, doesn't that make you remember?
No, not a thing.
Who were they?
Oh, that's the bad part.
Those men who attacked you in the saloon,
they're outlaws and they got orders to kill you.
Why?
I don't know.
Who gave the orders?
The bartender said they work for a criminal
named Furman Crotty.
Since Crotty's men are the only people
that know who I am, I better speak with them.
Tell them I'll meet them in the livery stable in 15 minutes.
I don't mend broken toys
just to throw them into a bonfire.
They're going to set a trap, you know.
Cloris, why did you, uh,
why did you help me in the first place?
Um, well, because you were nice to me.
But you deserved it. Ha.
It seems that, uh,
you don't know who you are, either.
Yes I do, I'm a one-syllable waitress
who can't seem to earn respect from the right kind of people.
You want to hear something interesting about yourself?
You know something, your fists aren't your only weapon.
But if you think you can kiss me into-
Ah, uh, whatever your first name is,
your middle name's trouble. I don't want any.
Cloris, you're going to do exactly what I asked you to.
Well, if that's what you think, mister.
Oh.
Uh...
Oh, phooey. I never will be a strong-minded person.
But after I deliver that message,
it's going to be goodbye and good riddance.
Well, it's not that I don't like you,
but I've liked other men, and look where it's got me.
"I've decided to raise the price of the vaccine.
One million dollars in gold to be deposited-"
Shame on you, Pinocchio.
Your nose just grew at least a foot.
Who told you to pass along that cock-and-bull story?
One of the girls that works here.
What's her name?
Cloris.
She said Mr. West told her
to get in touch with you guys.
Mr. West wants to meet you at the livery stable. Ah!
West doesn't have somebody else
deliver his messages for him.
Honest, it was him.
He did. Believe me, he did.
I can't help it if you think he's acting strange,
neither can he, 'cause he can't remember who he is.
We scrambled his brains for him, huh?
All right, fellas.
We'll go and fry the rest of him.
We'll find him.
Hey, you.
What in tarnation are you doing with that window display?
Don't shoot. You can have anything you want.
No one's gonna hurt you.
I want to know where you got that gun.
Why, uh- What's it to you?
You come storming in here,
and frighten the wits out of an honest merchandi-
I'm going to ask you just once more, mister.
Who sold this to you?
Some old sourdough off the trail come in here
Three-quarters an hour ago. What was his name?
I don't remember his name. Honest, I don't.
Give me a chance to look it up. Please.
Here. He couldn't sign except with an "x."
His name was Peepers. Claude Peepers.
Which way did he go when he left here?
East along Front Street. Thanks.
Hey, I gave Peepers $3 for that gun.
Keep the change.
You're welcome.
They're planning to ambush you.
Come on, I'll lead you out of it.
Didn't they believe I just wanted to talk to them?
No, they didn't believe me. Come on.
I didn't steal these clothes. He give them to me.
How come you're so anxious to get rid of them?
Well, he might be an Indian giver.
I mean, it got around
he was tangling with Crotty's gang.
Where?
Over there at that livery stable.
They threatened to kill me.
Hello, West.
Is that my name? Yeah.
And I'm gonna kill you. Vaughn.
Why? Oh, that reminds me.
I forgot to disarm you.
Do I usually carry a gun?
You're not trying to say you don't have one on someplace?
No, no. I don't have any gun.
Well, that's too bad.
I was going to suggest that we have a quick-draw contest,
but never mind.
I guess we can remedy that somehow.
First you buckle it on,
and then you tie it down.
You just stand there
while you're still able to stand.
Thank you.
You right or left-handed?
Uh, never mind. You'll find out soon enough.
Start counting. 1...
2...
West!
And then he shot all three. Pow. Pow. Pow.
And there was three men. One was on a balcony-
Wait a minute, did you see the man who did the shooting?
Sure. I saw everything.
Do you know which way he went?
Sure. He went down that street the theater's on.
Thanks a lot, boy.
And then he shot 'em. Pow. Pow. Pow.
West!
Now, I want to ask you some questions,
and you're going to give me the answers.
Jim.
You, don't come any closer.
Why? What's up?
Hey, that's very funny, friend,
but that's a little bit too close for comfort.
What do you mean "friend"?
Artie, behind you!
Hey, uh, did I miss something?
What was that game you were playing?
Medically speaking, you'd call it amnesia.
Artie, but you- You being in danger,
you brought me back.
And may I say, in my humble life-loving opinion,
not a moment too soon.
Welcome to Crotty's genocide club,
the only truly liberal establishment of its kind.
We'll kill anyone, no questions asked,
particularly you three.
I set your ransom
at $500,000 each.
Very flattering amount, don't you think?
We're impressed.
One million for our safe return,
one million for the vaccine,
that ought to dry up a lot of rainy days.
Not with my scale of living.
You know, I remember when I hired killers
for $20 a month.
Now you'd get a cross-eyed kid with a slingshot.
Pardon me for being selfish
and thinking about our own petty problems,
but what about the vaccine?
The exchange has been made, if that's what you mean.
Our government has it?
No.
Unfortunately, my delivery boy
is rather nearsighted.
Your side paid $1 million
for 100 vials of well water.
Crotty,
this epidemic has already reached
monumental proportions.
Thousands more are going to die.
Don't you care how many people you kill?
They're inferior.
They're the great unwashed.
Plymouth Rock should have landed on the pilgrims.
What do you plan to do?
Single-handedly level
this great nation
into one huge sand pile,
and rebuild it to be inhabited
only by machines and me.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have some vaccine to dispose of.
West, why is it so cold in here?
Are you all right, Cloris?
I'm fine.
So they move, we switch hotels.
I don't like being roped into things.
Motion second and carried.
You know, Artie, somehow,
this just seems too easy.
You know, you almost get the impression
that he wants us to escape.
Jim,
what you would estimate our combined weight to be?
Four hundred and sixty-two pounds.
Diluted nicotine solution
works best for peonies.
Diluted nicotine solution works best for peonies.
This is a drayman's shop.
This is a wagon scale.
Well, then why can't we just get off it?
I suspect that there's a goodly amount
of explosives underneath.
Triggered to go off the moment that scale
registers less than 462 pounds.
Oh, then we can't get off it after all, can we?
We can if we can replace
the total of our combined weight.
You ready? Yeah.
Another thought occurs to me.
what if more weight rather than less is what triggers it off?
Now you tell me.
Oh, why don't we just stay here?
It doesn't matter, Jim. We still gotta take the chance.
More, Artie.
More.
Let's try it again.
It's empty.
Well, any little bit of weight helps.
Let's get it on.
Thirty pounds.
That's 200 pounds.
That frees you, Jim. Go ahead.
We're still 42 pounds short.
GORDON Okay.
Get her.
We've got 14 pounds leeway. Let's go!
Oh.
That's smallpox, Jim.
We've gotta get her to a doctor.
Artie, you take her.
I've got a small score to settle with Crotty.
Not without me, you don't.
Sorry, Artie.
Jim!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I knew I had a cold,
but I didn't think I was so weak.
It's no dinner. I didn't have any dinner.
Raise your hammer high, Rusty.
Begin your work.
You know, there's only one thing that bothers me
after what we did to the theater.
What do we do for a third act?
Right.
I told Cloris that we would celebrate her recovery
by taking her and a friend
to the Paradise Room for dinner.
And after that we can go for a little dancing. Huh, Artie?
Yeah, but-
There it is.
Senator Overton requires the presence
of all personnel at his wife's musicale.
Only sudden emergency or illness
will be considered sufficient excuse for absence.
Well, that takes care of the dinner and the dancing.
I wouldn't mind that so much,
but Mrs. Overton sings like a vulture.
I don't suppose it would be worth
breaking a leg just to miss, do you?
Where am I?
James.
Great scott!
You've had a sudden relapse of your amnesia.
Who are you?
Oh, I prescribe a very simple nourishing meal to begin with.
And then after that, Who am I?
a little bit of medicinal dancing,
and then we can go...